La vie continue.

It is possiable to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.

Alec Bourne

________

So my blog has taken a current dive in terms of staying on track and has become something that is currently a bit unexpected.

Unexpected is good.

I find unexpected to be enthralling.

Plus it bothers me less to know that even if I write about my championship boxing match at a grocery store parking lot, that all of you wonderful readers out there in the ether find it interesting enough to comment.

Which I appreciate.

Moving on -

I'll have you all know that I currently changed my major.

*gasp

I can feel my future bank account decreasing by a few zeros as we speak.

Back to my point - I've changed my major, I'm going into social work.

*gasp

I find that its something I could potentially become very good at, plus its a industry with a soul.

I would major in Social work and minor in multi ethnic studies.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Or

I have no idea what you're thinking but the point is I've changed my major.

Now I have no idea where this choice will lead me, all I know is that it'll lead me away from my starting wage of 60k.

But I think there is less to life than how big your salary may or may not be.

Now this choice may go against my capitalistic ideals....my grandiose' idea of driving my shiny new BMW as a single gay man.

But I realize the possibilities are endless in terms of what you can do as long as you don't have children.

I'm joking.

Either way - who wouldn't feel safe having a case worker who is a battle hardened foster alumni?

Rawr.

Caution - Roads may be Slick.

I feel like I'm in a really dark place.

Now however morose that sounds, its exactly how I feel.

I sometimes feel like its really laughable how unaffected I am by my surroundings.

I say that because a recent situation brought to mind a portion of my past that has always really disturbed me.

Skaterboy's father called me one night ago and asked to meet me in a nearby parking lot at a grocery store to talk.

I knew exactly what was going to happen - like many things in my life I don't really do the deer in the headlights thing, many things tend to be pretty expected.

I came early and parked away from where we were meeting, I also had another guy friend come with me just to be safe.

Again I feel like I need to state I knew exactly what was going to happen - I was banking on it.

He came to defend his son, I stood their while he quietly stated that his ex-wife had mentioned I had started to hang around with his son.

I nodded.

He glared at me trying to indicate his masculine superiority.

It comes to me in the back of my mind slowly - I remember someone like this, but right at that moment I couldn't put my finger on it.

I said something to the tune that I was not doing anything outside the boundaries of being his friend. Which to a certain extent was true.

He moved within about two inches of my face, the guy is about three inches shorter than I but none the less he had a pretty strong presence.

Then quickly something flares in the back of my mind again - I remember this game, kind of like when you're an adult and you see a four square court or a tether ball ring.

You remember how to play but its been such a long time.

He starts to make a scene and yet I feel completely unaffected - I feel nothing but the pain I use to feel when I was abused by my mothers partners.

I yell back

I'm louder, bigger, meaner and scarier and have experienced more in the department of male intimidation than I'm sure he could even imagine.

All within a split second I go from completely relaxed to something entirely different.

And yet I feel like I'm defending my younger self, the fourteen year old version, in a completely different situation where I had no control over anything in my life.

Whereas this is a completely different I have complete control. Or I'm completely out of control.

I push back

I don't do the right thing.

He falls - because of the ice.

I'm still yelling and its funny because I don't entirely remember everything I said but I remember the look on his face.

He was just a guy, like a lot of other men around these parts that the only way to resolve their issues was to force the other party into submission.

I'm standing over him and my friend comes on the other side of me indicating that it was time to leave.

I leave.

I remember sitting in my car thinking about how much I hurt inside.

I'm the guy that keeps a 100 feet between me and every other person.

I feel completely detached from everything around me,

But continue on like everything is exactly how its suppose to be.

An authority an golly' I didn't know it.

So as you all know I'm not dead, but in college.

Which sometimes with a combination of Work and School it feels something near to it.

To give my relationship options at this point a moment in the spot light – I'm currently not seeing anyone. Skate Board guy was however great and fun, was at best completely unpredictable like well any other sixteen year old would be, and for the record Yes it was for the best for me not to be messing around with someone that could possiably get me in a lot of trouble. An I sometimes look and find he was into me because I was built ex-football player, not just because I'm a genuinely nice guy.

In addition to being unpredictable he was very expensive financially.

Now onto the banker – he is someone a little more in my range, financially stable...nice etc. etc.

I don't think thats what I'm looking forward to at the moment.

I think I mentioned in a earlier post that sometimes I feel like people feel bad about being alone because they are told that the only way to be happy or 'whole' is to have someone attached at your hip at all points.

Not to say relationships aren't important, its just not something I'm ready to deal with at this point in my life.

I might at a later time of course try to fill you folks in on whats been going on in the last 2 months...or 3 months at some point.

____________

Oh I should mention I'm becoming somewhat of a hot item in the speaking department for our local government child-welfare organizations.

Its all very overwhelming to be an authority on something you had no idea you were an authority on.

But its somewhat satisfying, after having a conversation with my aunt about how she was slightly put off at our last panel speaking opportunity because she felt that she and my uncle were asked around to get me to come and speak. An how afterwards I said something to the effect 'I'm willing to help in any way I can for the community' I got around 4 calls that evening about that one comment.

People wanted to PAY me!

Which I'm not interested in because I don't think its right to take money for something like that...but gosh..

Skate borders and the Church parking lot.

I've currently been busy really in a number of different ways.

My school for one has been completely time consuming which is what College is suppose to be as I hear. I'm okay with that for the most part, nothing that I'm coming up against is anything I can't handle per say but it still pretty tough.

I've also been 'dating' more than one person. Okay here is the thing about me, for some reason when it comes to 'relationship' sort of attention I can not seem to get enough of it. Not in the immature sort of attention, but it comes from being bombarded from multiple areas and not being able to slow down and say 'I'm sorry I currently have way too much on my plate now and am sort of dating someone else'.

Can I pull the foster kid card? I wasn't loved enough? I wouldn't dare.

So you know about the mature banker guy I've been seeing lately. Everything in that respect is going amazingly, he's a nice down to earth guy who is always...so nice. My first logical reaction would be to stick by him, its something completely stable and I should be happy with what I have.

I'm not, not in the least.

I enjoy a certain amount of trouble.

In the same way married men sometimes wish they had a that metaphorically 'bad' wife.

Its sick let me tell you what. For one if I didn't have enough complication in my life I bring another person on board to enjoy the ride.

He's a 16 year old skater guy that is into the tall footballer type.

(Thought I would also mention that its completely legal in my state for another 9 days).

Which if I hadn't said enough times I fit that stereotype perfectly.

He happens to be about 5'4 and hundred and fifteen pounds. Exactly my type. Tight black pants band t-shirt skater guy. Its cute.

Its funny because the other night we were making out like a bunch of high schoolers would (ick I know you don't wanna hear about it but its important to my point). He's naming off all the things he likes about me and I'm noticing its everything I don't like about myself. Then I go onto mention everything I like about him and its the same way. He hates that he's small and scrawny...I like that...I hate being tall and built.

Nice right?

Dysfunctional maybe and the whole situation could get me in some serious trouble if I'm not careful.

But I like it. The idea of getting in trouble is sort of appealing to me, in that area anyway.

Plus he's completely random in every sort of way. Following my thought process perfectly.

He calls me up at 12:30 Saturday night and wants me to come pick him up so we can 'hangout' which is code for...well you know.

“OH look a burger king, I'm thirsty lets stop!”

2 hours later we are sitting in the church parking lot we decided to park to 'hangout'. Its past his bed time and I have to pry him off me to take him home.

Now if that isn't gaining back some of those years stuck in foster care not being able to make out with the boys I wanted too...I dunno what will.

Here in about an hour I'm heading over to his house to 'hangout' before his mother gets home from work.

If anyone has any thoughts on this situation I am very open to input at this point.

Suite mates and the Banker Boyfriend.

So, as it goes I am a reasonably romantic person.

Which is surprising for a few reasons. Not really having very good role models growing up in that department left me a little dazed I think, add on the fact that I'm a gay man makes it a little more complicated then one would expect.

I think a majority of what you think or know as 'romance' is taken from your parents example. Not really surprising because you take many of the things you know relationship wise from your parents...I could be wrong but I do think that line of thought is correct.

Really a pretty small personality trait, but somewhat important I hear.

Back to my point,

I have a boyfriend (crazy right?)

I also work and go to school. Being with someone can take a back seat sometimes. Which it has at this point, I can't be a successful student and be a fantastic partner. Its rough. But Andy understands and knows that my school comes first, but he is not any less important to me.

Andy is a great guy, which is hard to come by here in the gay wasteland. Works at a local bank, wears a suit and plans on going places.

So I took Andy to an expensive restaurant (funded by a recent relatives visit, but of course he doesn't know that) and a movie which both turned out really well.

Yay for brownie points.

Then he wanted to go back to my dorm and meet my suite mates.

I decided a little while back that I was going to take coming out here very slowly because I have to live with these same three guys for nine months, I'd really like them to know me as who I am instead of 'the gay guy' which is very easily done.

So I made up an excuse, it worked, I was off the hook.

It might only work one or two other times, then I'll have to explain the real reason.

Its not really lying if its said to keep the other person from being hurt right?

All for the greater good.

Twinkerbell and my first week of Classes.

I feel innately fake sometimes.

Not entirely of my own doing, but when I look at how I approach meeting new people I have a mass of different facades I use in different situations.

I do have a partial understanding that a lot of the way I approach different situations has a lot to do with the fact that I have a very very loose grip on who I am as a person.

Which can be associated with my constantly fluid childhood. Always changing always adapting kept me alive. But the part of me that worries me the most is that I think that 'adaptability' switch is stuck in the ON position.

If that makes sense.

First week of school down.

I'm really enjoying the academic atmosphere that living on campus has, being around a large majority of educated people has a lot of advantages.

My 7:40am class (lab/lecture) is killing me slowly, its definitely what I am into as majors go, its just a pretty intense class. Learning all the hardware componants (most of which I already had exposure too in prior classes) plus the dynamic between said hardware and its connectivity is incredible.

The communication class is not as anxiety producing as I figured it was; again the difference between being in a classroom full of high schoolers compared to being in a room full of college level folks who all want to be in the class (not always for the same reason but being in a class to fulfill a requirement is definitely under 'want').

Making friends seems easy, my roommates are pretty much what I expected, rowdy guys my age who are here trying to do one thing or another. I am convinced that one of which is completely gay.

Rip'ed jeans little dog kinda gay. Rather he's terminally Twinkerbell.

I'd take the jeans but not the little dog.

Fyi- he's really nice to look at.

Did I mention my school has something like a 4:1 male to female ratio...its amazing how many guys are all in one area.

I digress.

School is what its suppose to be; exhausting. Which is to be expected.

Sunday I'm going back to Yondalla. See about these fake boobs I hear Frankie is going on about.

Been Really Busy..I Swear

Okay, So a million things have been going on.

School School School

add in four hours of work off-campus and I've been really busy.

I promise at some point to do a in depth sort of post, I've been completely booked.

I haven't forgotten about my faithful readers though!

Just thought I'd update you.

So I finished taking the one class I have on Monday.

It started at 7:40am and went till 11am, and then my day is complete.

Sounds nice right?

I feel like such a newbie freshman, I have a total of 15 credits over the whole first semester.

IT Essentials, Computer Networking I, Operating System basics, English 102 with a total of 15 credits…it still feels light.

In all honesty I didn’t get into the English class I wanted; the one that will get me on track for my BAS (Bachelors of Applied Science). I’m currently in an Applied comp. English class, which I don’t want to be in, if I continue with the class I’ll get a credit, but the credit it won’t be applied really in any way to my end result. My bachelor’s degree.

I don’t feel like I’d be fulfilled with getting my Associates degree, plus I don’t really think it’s what the technical field is looking for in a network administrator.

The class itself, my tech. class shouldn’t be an issue; most of the things we’ve gone over in the syllabus is things I’ve already had exposure too.

Plus there is a course next semester with network security where the final is basically to try and hack the campus’s main server system without causing any real damage.

It’s a wet dream of sorts.

Well close anyway.

Mr. Bean's Holiday and the Big move.

So I can only speak for at this point about college life. Not yet taken any actual classes I can’t really talk about the academic side of things just yet, but I’ll get to that in another post I’m sure.

It’s interesting, because it’s a lot like a little more adult version of High School, go figure. With it being a lot like an adult version of High School; I’ve officially remade my room (not so much my image because I do the football jock thing just fine) But my room has become something a little less gay, I mean I even took out the questionable DVD’s in my collection and put them in my bottom drawer because if someone came an looked I didn’t want them to see my version of Locked Up.

In all honesty my roommates are pretty cool. I’ve got three other roommates other than myself; Rob, Ben and Jon. We share a sort of apartment style dorm where we all share a bathroom, shower etc. and a common area (couch, TV, table). One room is a double-room, the other two are private rooms, I of course have a private room for which I had to fight tooth and nail to get.

Now as square footage go my room is the same size as Rob’s (he’s the other roommate that has a private room; Ben and Jon share the double.) But Rob’s room is a lot longer than mine and mine is well…a lot wider. So in all practical purposes my room is a cave…still it is only my room and no one else’s which I’m happy about.

I’m on the fourth floor of a newer building just outside the huge football stadium. The floor I’m on happens to be a academically enhanced floor; theoretically you can only be on this floor if your part of ‘Civic Leadership’ an organization that gets together community projects and does a lot of the events around campus. Now I of course am not part of the civic leadership just yet, here in about twenty minutes I’m going to go speak with the academic advisor on the floor about joining, with my personality traits I should be a shoe-in. Theoretically.

The most interesting thing about my personality is how well I go into social situations. I do amazingly well, I am easy to make conversation and make people laugh and the way I can talk to anyone even if I don’t really know them in any sort of context. But I do especially well in forced social interaction, like living in a dorm room with folks you don’t even know, another trait that has served me well over the years.

I think that accounts for me being told I’d do really well filling one of the spots on the leadership team.

I dunno.

Anyway, my next mission is to find a TV for my room. I’ve got a cable outlet but no TV! Someone needs to create a 'I'm-too-poor-to-buy-a-TV-for-my-dorm-room' fund.

Happy trails for now.

----

P.s- Went and seen Mr. Beans Holiday last night downtown with a few of my floor mates...pretty much the most amazing clean humor film ever...plus I never thought I'd be going with a bunch of college students to see a G rated movie..lol

Sometimes Life is a kick in the Pants.

Having everything you own fit nicely into three plastic bins and two L.L bean duffel bags is seriously depressing.

For all the good that being in care a good portion of my life has done for me in the long run, sometimes I feel like there are some serious shortcomings.

I'll be posting more after Friday I'm sure.

Wish me luck.

*****
P.s - I was less scared moving across the planet then I am of moving 30 miles away into my dorm.

Humans, Aliens and creepy stuff in your Tea.

I just recently got back from a movie that was pretty thought provoking.

Something about it comforted me in a way that doesn’t completely make me comfortable, if that makes sense.

It’s also a concept that I had a very extensive argument with a good friend of mine.

We share many similarities, and of course as friends we have our differences.

The argument included the concept that Human beings however evolved and advance always will retain a certain primal drive. Those drives being molded by that single persons experience throughout life.

The drive that push people to different atrocities and great breakthroughs in modern society.

The topic was that as we continue as a civilization to better ourselves and our communities, we seem to continue to find better ways to harm each other.

(All because of a movie mind you.)

I didn’t find that at all surprising.

My friend however, thought it was a terrible thing for me to accept or quietly understand.

That is how the constructive argument started.

Part of the way a person thinks comes from he or she’s background.

I’m a good example of said background affecting my outlook.

Traumas in their own way affect each individual differently; I coped in my situation by cultivating a certain understanding of why people do the things they do in order to help me be comfortable with my surroundings.

Sometimes making me seem cold, detached.

Both things I am certainly not.

I just don’t relate to painful situations like every other person does.

My way is just different, which make people individuals in their own right.

This topic came from a movie we had just finished called ‘Invasion of the body snatchers.’

Great film by the way.

At the end of the movie the alien agent confronts one of the main characters with a prospect. The alien made an observation that it was creating a positive environment for the humans it was overtaking.

The world was becoming a better place, no more senseless deaths, wars, poverty etc.

Because these aliens where taking away what made humans unique.

Our capability at individual thought and turning it into a sort of hive existence.

No bueno.

Also not an original thought when it comes to a movie; but none the less conversation worthy.

(Another interesting side note; the original 1956 version of ‘Invasion…’ was partly as I understand it to discourage the movement of Communism in the 1950’s culture or at least that was my impression. The main character in the new remake I had just watched has an interesting and amusing dialogue with a Russian diplomat about the same issue; individualism and human motivation.)

After the movie is when my friend and I got into this discussion.

He believed that we would have better off not had to endure the pain most of us feel throughout our life.

I disagreed of course, making the observation that those things that we rather not have to deal with throughout life are the things that make us human.

That all the things that happen between human beings all come from a having a different prospective, once we lose that we are no longer human.

Exactly the same reason Ryan and I were disagreeing at that very moment on a single idea made us what we are, Human.

Ryan disagreed again with me, stating that I shouldn’t be comfortable with the prospect that the reason why we do the things we do to each other are as simple as we are all ‘driven by human selfishness, greed etc.’

My human disposition defense, however right or wrong, was not entirely a comforting answer. I don't think I was going for right or wrong, just thought provoking. It's part of the reason myself and Ryan are such good friends. We can disagree and not be completely hostile.

I wonder sometimes that by existing we as human beings are here only perpetuating our own unhappiness.

Part of me feels I shouldn’t go that far in a conversation on that topic, it being all obscure as it was at the time.

I just think its good to document your own thought processes every so often with discussions like that.

Sometimes it gives you a better idea of where you come from in life.

My Kid Sister and Tim.

I’ve recently been coming to terms with my sisters dating situation.

She’s currently fifteen years old and will be sixteen in December.

Sounds good right?

Her current boyfriend is my age; almost 20 years old.

I of course am older and bigger; older only by about six months, but I outweigh him by about a hundred pounds.

At this point my being bigger than him is comforting.

Anyway, all masculinity aside, I asked him to come with my sister and I to a movie; he accepts.

So I’m all prepared this Friday to go to the movies with my sister and her nineteen year old boyfriend.

It comes Friday; I’m all pumped to do the big brother thing, the ‘You need to understand if my sister is even painfully unhappy, I’ll be the one you’ll talk too’ speech.

He never shows, for the life of me I have no idea why he didn’t show, I was almost offended.

Then Saturday my mother calls, She tells me that he called and asked her if she had heard if I was angry or not for him not showing up.

My mom also told me he stutters.

And it is suppose to be really cute.

Now I feel kind of bad, I was intimidating someone who I had yet to meet and he had a speech impediment that was endearing.

So it’s now my impression that he’s a shy reserved guy who wants nothing more than to please my mother and me.

Which is fine, in fact I’m glad to hear I don’t have to do the big brother thing, I mean apparently what my sister told him scared him enough to go to my mother to ask if I was angry with him.

I’m really not that scary.

I am however protective.

Oh, and being 6’2 and 250lbs helps a little.

But really, I’m a nice guy.

The Mini-fridge

I’ve decided that I’m officially feeling the side effects of being seriously stressed out.

My move in date was a week from today, at 9am at my Dormitory at my University.

I still need to pack all of my things that I am taking and decide on what other things I am leaving behind. It’s also alright I’ve found that I can come back every Saturday or Sunday back to my aunt and uncle’s house to do my laundry.

I need to go to Wally world and pick up some cheap sturdy containers to transport some of the things I need for my dormitory.

The program that paid for my education, also helped to furnish my dorm with all the essentials.

Bedding, Mini-fridge, Microwave, Coffee pot.

Like I said all the essentials.

This is what I'm all stressed out about.

And of course the work situation that I pretty much already explained.

I learned that the scheduling guy had a death in the family; my first reaction was ‘oh that’s terrible’ the second reaction was ‘is this going to affect my part-time status?’

I’m a terrible, terrible human being.

Now I just have to pack, move everything into the center of the room so the room can be painted and run to the nearby Big city, getting the last little bits I need before I move in..

7-days and counting!

I'm going to name the ulcer I get after my university.

Scheduling Issues.

I had a slight meltdown at work.

Now just a little side note about myself.

I like things in order, moreover I like things that I have control over or am responsible for to be in order. It may have something to do with why I’m so good at following deadlines and meeting expected schedules set before me.

It also makes me seem a bit on the obsessive compulsive side of the personality spectrum.

Back to my story, I’m sitting at my computer at work and I pull up my 3-week schedule up and notice something is a little out of place.

As work places go, the one I work at is very professional. Very structured so as you always know who you need to talk too in regards to whatever issue you may need to resolve.

I like that, matches my personality, you always know exactly what you need to do.

Back to my 3-week schedule, the ‘part-time’ status I applied for about a month ago, which is suppose to kick in as of the 18^th it had yet to come into effect.

I remember the look the lady in our HR department gave me when I turned in my paperwork earlier than anyone else.

I shrugged, it’s just how I go about things, rather be early then late.

So with an anxious look on my face I went to my team leader, brought to her attention the fact it had yet to show up.

‘Oh that’s interesting’ she says.

We all know at our Workplace you pretty much live and you die by the schedule.

R.E.M (Resource Enterprise Management) is pretty much the slave driver at work.

It’s not as bad as it seems, the guy that works in the resource management is my age. He sits in a room that overlooks the atrium and spends his time watching TV and monitoring stats.

That being beside the point, I was worried.

As I get more worried about how no one, including upper-management has yet returned my email requesting that they either verify by email or verbally that my schedule will be resolved.

I get nothing. My boss says ‘don’t worry’ someone will reply by Friday.

That doesn’t really fit into my schedule I think to myself.

My partner-in-crime chimes in “OCD much?”

‘Constantly’ I reply.

Served me well up until this point though, I sometimes think it may be sheering years off my life.

Just need a little advice.

I’ve had over 200 hits!

And my 1^st Google reader subscription!

It’s really encouraging to read all of the comments people have for my blog entries.

My goal is to have about one post a day, which in theory is pretty easy; it’s just the follow through that was a little difficult.

Anyone have any blogging tips for a newbie?

Career Path.

‘A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world’.

-Dorothy L. Sayers

So a long time ago I decided that I would be a chef, a world famous chef that could only come from growing up watching Top cooks off of the food network as a kid.

The fortunate young man that I am I got into the only school in my state that offers a culinary arts intensive training course over 6-weeks of my summer. Slots are given to students showing exceptional dedication to an art.

My art happened to be food. I enjoyed aspects of food for more than just taste.

The way you could change a mediocre dish into a work of art with a little eye for detail and a lot of imagination.

I completed the program.

I was a large part of the culinary workforce that threw the governors wedding party.

Finished the program as the ‘most promising member’ of our culinary team.

I’m slightly competitive, which is good in the kitchen.

I felt completely vindicated.

I had found my calling.

At the same time I was participating in another academic program offered to only my schools students (my High School the top scores in the state, so therefore got most of the funding to do most of these projects).

It was a program focused on the Technology industry. The programs it focused on CCNA, CNET, Web Design and a few others.

I went into hardware my first year, then into CCNA and CNET my 2^nd year, all the while completing a Web Designing course through independent study course work while I was on the off-campus site.

While I was doing that course work in school my sophomore and junior year. I was working in a local restaurant.

I hated it.

I love cooking. But Hated the atmosphere of the kitchen I was working in.

By the time I moved into the house I currently still reside at, I was completely burnt out on cooking, as a way to make money anyway.

So I decided to ‘look into my options’ when it came to the Technology field.

I met with an academic adviser to incoming students at the local university and thought I would ask him a few questions regarding a career path in IT.

He broke it down for me. I had an idea that there was a level of income to be made out of the IT industry but had no idea that it would be something I could ever support myself with. I mean how could a single gay man support himself on a sixty-thousand dollar a year starting salary?

My Aunt was sitting right there the whole time, very quietly gasping at my remarks about not being sure about being able to support myself with that amount of income.

Now to clarify something, my not understanding that an income at that level starting out would sustain me just fine wasn’t from an inherent want for money in a greedy sense. It came from never really having a good idea of what a really decent wage was, my mother supported three children and herself on a twenty-thousand dollar a year wage.

Sixty-thousand dollars a year isn’t the set wage I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted a wage that would let me do some of the things I enjoy.

While still being able to breathe comfortably, humble expectations I swear.

So back to my Aunt laughing, I asked her why she was laughing and she explained to me, as an educated person with a PhD she made started out making less than that. PhD coming attached to about fourteen years of schooling, roughly.

I’m planning on four years.

So my dreams of being a world renowned chef were not crushed per say. But why work a job that only gets you as far as how good you are at cooking. Working hours when everyone else is off, with more times than not crappy benefits.

9am to 5pm sounded a little more appealing.

I’m just ready to be done with school and I haven’t even started yet.

Story of my life.

University experience.

Only the Educated are free.

-Epictetus

So I sit here in a local coffee shop after finishing up the last touches of my school preparation.

I think I mentioned briefly in another post how I had a scholarship through the foster agency that I met my current Aunt and Uncle through about two years ago.

The idea of the scholarship is to go all the way through school without having significant debt; or none at all.

Which I’m starting to see is an amazing thing to be able to do. Go through my entire education and out the other side, debt free.

Since I first was initiated into the state system, the one thing I enjoyed about the foster care system was that it would give you the opportunity to start over, to have a whole new life with a whole new family.

Whether that is for good or bad you could always start over.

I think some people as children going through the system, bank on that idea.

Now that I’m an adult, having adult responsibilities gives me the chance to make something for myself.

The best way I can do that for myself at this point was to take full advantage of my educational opportunities, right along with the financial ones.

Have I mentioned for this semester I only have one book I had to buy? To be honest I really didn’t buy it, I did however buy the gas I had to use to go to the agency to pick it up.

One communication book cost $91.16.

Sometimes we wonder why not everyone goes to a college or university at my age. It costs me (as an in-state resident) around fifteen-thousand dollars a year to go to school here (Room and board added together with my tuition).

My aunt explained it in a good way.

“So the on campus recreational facility is free right?” I asked her.

“Not free, just at ‘No additional charge’”

We both laughed.

I've been validated!

Yay!

People read my blog...It's comforting to know I have an audience!

This whole blog thing is getting quite addictive.

Now I need to work on multi-tasking; writing my own entry's and reading others.

Baby steps.

Work is kind of Gay.

People who work sitting down get paid more than those who work standing up.

-Ogden Nash

I work for a multi million dollar company, for more than one reason of course.

They let me work twenty hours a week while going to school full time and they pay more than anyone else within two-hundred miles for my skill set.

But this Broadcasting company happens to be my areas gay Mecca.

Partner benefits and the whole lot.

That being said, I should be more than comfortable within my own natural habitat.

Which as a side thought would be wonderful, being around like minded individuals and having a very liberal and safe environment.

That it should be anything but uncomfortable, a sort of 'harbor from the storm' if you will when it comes to employment in B-town.

Its not, for two reasons.

1.) I'm the sort of gay man that likes to keep his professional life and private life separate, not really the type (unless asked) to divulge information about who I may or may not be dating at one time or another. Or if that person happened to be a guy.

Which in my case...it always has been.

2.) Then there is that moment when other like minded individual playing for the same team acquire knowledge of your sexual preference and automatically think because you share one personality trait that you'll be buddies because of that trait (i.e "Your gay! I am too! Lets be friends!").

I suppose its not all bad, I just don't really fit the mold I think.

But alas, I can solve all of your television needs!

The Scoop...or most of it.

So I've been informed by, well informed sources that sometimes giving a little background on myself is important.

I'm an almost twenty year old gay college student.

I come from a small related family, but a large extended family. I have two half sisters (Jill who is fifteen years old, and Jasmine who is four years old) and two half brothers (Sam who is twenty-two, and Robert who is twenty-four) Oh, did I mention that Sam is gay?

My mom lives in a nearby city and works full-time. Shes nice i promise.

My extended family consist of My aunt and uncle (You might know Yandalla) and more cousins then I sometimes can count (Carl, Brian, David, Andrew, Myself, and the newest addition Frankie).

I spent a fair amount of my childhood in foster care. I did the usual twelve home bounce before being put in an all boys local reform house. Of course being completely reformed I moved back in with my mother.

After doing a few boxing rounds with my mom's boyfriend at seventeen (because my male masculinity clashed with his idea of how a gay guy was suppose to act. *sigh), shortly after I was put into a shelter home. With the age of eighteen looming nearby, I scored a spot with a local program that would allow me to finish high school without being completely emancipated and on my own.

Which should I mention I was completely O.K. with? Nothing really new about being self sufficient, but I have an idea of what it costs to be on ones own, I thought otherwise. At which point I was introduced to local gay-friendly household.

Ahhh how nostalgic...

Ran through high school, with a few hang-ups but none the less, graduated a well respected member of society.

I got into a decently respected state school, rather I applied and was accepted but never registered, Then moved to Scotland to keep my options open.

Worked for a Non-profit organization while in Scotland and traveled Europe on my own dime, then my trip was cut short by a very nice Englishman that decided to give me Glandular fever( In Yankeeland its called Mononucleosis). Sleeping fifteen hours a day is a pretty interesting experience.

Returned to the welcoming arms of my aunt, and moved in with my grandmother.

It was a magical experience.

Moved back in with Yandalla and finished acquiring a scholarship that would get me through school into my career debt free.

You'd think the whole experience would be stress free, getting into college is suppose to be one alcohol induced blur. Or is that after I move into the dorms? *grins*

I'm kidding.

I also forgot to mention, I got a on-campus internship with &*$%(#$%@. Think the biggest PC operating systems producer on the planet. I don't get paid enough to endorse them yet.

Something important to understand.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

-Cyril Connolly

So after writing off the cuff per say for a good hour yesterday I thought I should mention something.

That something of course is to say, I am not a writer. By this point it should be obvious.

But that being said, I can jump around sometimes with my subjects. I do the same thing in normal conversation.

I plan of course to try to focus on one single subject per entry,

No promises.

Now I'm off to work, Another-day-Another-Dollar!

The New Beginning

A Man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.

-George Moore


I went from everything I knew, to find something I never thought I would be able to find. Ten days before I moved I spent most of my time consoling most of my immediate family that 'of course I'll keep in contact' or 'Yes Mom, I really will be moving half-way around the world to try to find the part of me I thought was missing.'

Hindsight is an amazing thing.

Five days I started buying the things I thought I would miss while abroad, one truly American concept.

So I packed Peanut butter, hair products, and enough razors to shave my face well into the next century. Because of course, why would the Scottish shave? I forgot how cold it is mid-December that close to the arctic circle, rather how wet and cold.

The night before I left with my laptop on the road, my foster family hosted a party and invited my mother, grandmother, aunt and both my sisters. It felt as if I was an Eskimo grandfather about to be sent off on a block of ice.

Which is fine, because of course, being cold and wet is right up my alley of world climates. That is before I started living in Scotland.

Now I digress, honestly I love everything about the country I gotten to know for a little over five months. I got to grab a 'pint down at the local village pub, spend my hard earned weekly living of fifty quid. Dance at a school hosted Ceilidh, happened to be one of the most heart warming things I have ever done. Doing something that has been part of the community I was staying in for hundreds of years. Plus they had 1.00 drinks...c'mon.

My flight had four different stop overs. B-town to Denver, Denver to Philadelphia, Philadelphia to Manchester, United Kingdom, Manchester UK to Glasgow , Scotland.

I remember flying into Manchester jamming to The Clash- London calling


It's amazing being glared at by a very staunch looking Englishwoman. Wondering of course why I don't have the address for my place of residence for the next 6 months.

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood." She glares down at me.

She stamped my work visa and I was officially a legal working resident of the United Kingdom.

Then after another short flight, and after being gathered by a slightly distraught fiery haired woman. I was off and on my way to Braendam family home....

-(Totally noticed how long this post was getting, So I decided to continue it a little later.)