I feel like I'm in a really dark place.
Now however morose that sounds, its exactly how I feel.
I sometimes feel like its really laughable how unaffected I am by my surroundings.
I say that because a recent situation brought to mind a portion of my past that has always really disturbed me.
Skaterboy's father called me one night ago and asked to meet me in a nearby parking lot at a grocery store to talk.
I knew exactly what was going to happen - like many things in my life I don't really do the deer in the headlights thing, many things tend to be pretty expected.
I came early and parked away from where we were meeting, I also had another guy friend come with me just to be safe.
Again I feel like I need to state I knew exactly what was going to happen - I was banking on it.
He came to defend his son, I stood their while he quietly stated that his ex-wife had mentioned I had started to hang around with his son.
I nodded.
He glared at me trying to indicate his masculine superiority.
It comes to me in the back of my mind slowly - I remember someone like this, but right at that moment I couldn't put my finger on it.
I said something to the tune that I was not doing anything outside the boundaries of being his friend. Which to a certain extent was true.
He moved within about two inches of my face, the guy is about three inches shorter than I but none the less he had a pretty strong presence.
Then quickly something flares in the back of my mind again - I remember this game, kind of like when you're an adult and you see a four square court or a tether ball ring.
You remember how to play but its been such a long time.
He starts to make a scene and yet I feel completely unaffected - I feel nothing but the pain I use to feel when I was abused by my mothers partners.
I yell back
I'm louder, bigger, meaner and scarier and have experienced more in the department of male intimidation than I'm sure he could even imagine.
All within a split second I go from completely relaxed to something entirely different.
And yet I feel like I'm defending my younger self, the fourteen year old version, in a completely different situation where I had no control over anything in my life.
Whereas this is a completely different I have complete control. Or I'm completely out of control.
I push back
I don't do the right thing.
He falls - because of the ice.
I'm still yelling and its funny because I don't entirely remember everything I said but I remember the look on his face.
He was just a guy, like a lot of other men around these parts that the only way to resolve their issues was to force the other party into submission.
I'm standing over him and my friend comes on the other side of me indicating that it was time to leave.
I leave.
I remember sitting in my car thinking about how much I hurt inside.
I'm the guy that keeps a 100 feet between me and every other person.
I feel completely detached from everything around me,
But continue on like everything is exactly how its suppose to be.
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7 comments:
You know that is a PTSD experience, right? I am SO pleased that you seem to be recognizing it and dealing with it.
For so long you had to survive by pushing all those feelings away, one way or another. This time they are there wanting to be felt.
I'm proud of you sweetie.
Umm...and next time someone who wants to intimidate you wants to talk, insist on meeting in a coffee shop where he can't do the bully thing. Just a thought.
It took courage to tell that story but also courage to understand where those feelings came from. I don't even know you, yet I am proud of you for that.
Peace.
Yondalla sent me over, but I totally understand that feeling. Y is right when she says it is PTSD. But you survived it and even though I only know of you through your blog and Y, I am proud of you.
First, you did a really good job of handling the situation. 1) You remembered safety, and took a friend 2) You recognized what was happening and were able to see it had less to do with the current situation and more to do with history 3) (my favorite one because its normally the hardest) You de-escalated from the situation, and were able to walk away without committing violence (provided there really WAS ice on the parking lot Ha ha ha and that's not code for "I kicked him in the balls"- my brother and I used to say "a mini earthquake must have happened because dude just like, fell down" (we lived in an earthquake prone area). Pretty good huh?)
It sounds like you're handling the flashbacks and such very well. I'm with Yondalla, next time it might be better to meet in a place that is less conducive to bully-type tactics.
I'm curious though- how much of your morose-ity (I know, not a real word, but you know what I mean) is coming from recognizing that the Skaterboy relationship is about to come under serious restrictions, or possibly end altogether? Parents have a lot of power, and if they're in denial about their boy, it could be even rougher. (He's underage, right? Didn't I remember reading that somewhere before?)
How are you dealing with that? Have you talked with Skaterboy about it yet?
Yeah in all intents and purposes little of how I was feeling had anything to do with Skaterboy or his parents.
His dad just gave me a good outlet.
Other than that Skaterguy is just another guy.
I completely understand how you felt. I have to agree with yondalla that it was a PTSD experience. And while it's difficult to deal with PTSD, it's necessary so it doesn't eat you up inside until there's nothing left but an empty shell. I used CBT in order to learn to deal with the trauma, and sometimes it still flares to the surface, but I have healthier outlets for it than reacting to some jerk. You did the right thing bringing a friend, and I would have yelled and pushed back myself once upon a time, now things are a bit easier for me, but it's not all sunshine and kittens. Some days I need to yell or scream, or throw a ball at a wall, but it helps, and it does get better when you confront it.
I only know you through Y, but I also want to commend you. I wish you all the best.
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