I feel like I'm in a really dark place.
Now however morose that sounds, its exactly how I feel.
I sometimes feel like its really laughable how unaffected I am by my surroundings.
I say that because a recent situation brought to mind a portion of my past that has always really disturbed me.
Skaterboy's father called me one night ago and asked to meet me in a nearby parking lot at a grocery store to talk.
I knew exactly what was going to happen - like many things in my life I don't really do the deer in the headlights thing, many things tend to be pretty expected.
I came early and parked away from where we were meeting, I also had another guy friend come with me just to be safe.
Again I feel like I need to state I knew exactly what was going to happen - I was banking on it.
He came to defend his son, I stood their while he quietly stated that his ex-wife had mentioned I had started to hang around with his son.
He glared at me trying to indicate his masculine superiority.
It comes to me in the back of my mind slowly - I remember someone like this, but right at that moment I couldn't put my finger on it.
I said something to the tune that I was not doing anything outside the boundaries of being his friend. Which to a certain extent was true.
He moved within about two inches of my face, the guy is about three inches shorter than I but none the less he had a pretty strong presence.
Then quickly something flares in the back of my mind again - I remember this game, kind of like when you're an adult and you see a four square court or a tether ball ring.
You remember how to play but its been such a long time.
He starts to make a scene and yet I feel completely unaffected - I feel nothing but the pain I use to feel when I was abused by my mothers partners.
I yell back
I'm louder, bigger, meaner and scarier and have experienced more in the department of male intimidation than I'm sure he could even imagine.
All within a split second I go from completely relaxed to something entirely different.
And yet I feel like I'm defending my younger self, the fourteen year old version, in a completely different situation where I had no control over anything in my life.
Whereas this is a completely different I have complete control. Or I'm completely out of control.
I push back
I don't do the right thing.
He falls - because of the ice.
I'm still yelling and its funny because I don't entirely remember everything I said but I remember the look on his face.
He was just a guy, like a lot of other men around these parts that the only way to resolve their issues was to force the other party into submission.
I'm standing over him and my friend comes on the other side of me indicating that it was time to leave.
I remember sitting in my car thinking about how much I hurt inside.
I'm the guy that keeps a 100 feet between me and every other person.
I feel completely detached from everything around me,
But continue on like everything is exactly how its suppose to be.