La vie continue.

It is possiable to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.

Alec Bourne

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So my blog has taken a current dive in terms of staying on track and has become something that is currently a bit unexpected.

Unexpected is good.

I find unexpected to be enthralling.

Plus it bothers me less to know that even if I write about my championship boxing match at a grocery store parking lot, that all of you wonderful readers out there in the ether find it interesting enough to comment.

Which I appreciate.

Moving on -

I'll have you all know that I currently changed my major.

*gasp

I can feel my future bank account decreasing by a few zeros as we speak.

Back to my point - I've changed my major, I'm going into social work.

*gasp

I find that its something I could potentially become very good at, plus its a industry with a soul.

I would major in Social work and minor in multi ethnic studies.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Or

I have no idea what you're thinking but the point is I've changed my major.

Now I have no idea where this choice will lead me, all I know is that it'll lead me away from my starting wage of 60k.

But I think there is less to life than how big your salary may or may not be.

Now this choice may go against my capitalistic ideals....my grandiose' idea of driving my shiny new BMW as a single gay man.

But I realize the possibilities are endless in terms of what you can do as long as you don't have children.

I'm joking.

Either way - who wouldn't feel safe having a case worker who is a battle hardened foster alumni?

Rawr.

Caution - Roads may be Slick.

I feel like I'm in a really dark place.

Now however morose that sounds, its exactly how I feel.

I sometimes feel like its really laughable how unaffected I am by my surroundings.

I say that because a recent situation brought to mind a portion of my past that has always really disturbed me.

Skaterboy's father called me one night ago and asked to meet me in a nearby parking lot at a grocery store to talk.

I knew exactly what was going to happen - like many things in my life I don't really do the deer in the headlights thing, many things tend to be pretty expected.

I came early and parked away from where we were meeting, I also had another guy friend come with me just to be safe.

Again I feel like I need to state I knew exactly what was going to happen - I was banking on it.

He came to defend his son, I stood their while he quietly stated that his ex-wife had mentioned I had started to hang around with his son.

I nodded.

He glared at me trying to indicate his masculine superiority.

It comes to me in the back of my mind slowly - I remember someone like this, but right at that moment I couldn't put my finger on it.

I said something to the tune that I was not doing anything outside the boundaries of being his friend. Which to a certain extent was true.

He moved within about two inches of my face, the guy is about three inches shorter than I but none the less he had a pretty strong presence.

Then quickly something flares in the back of my mind again - I remember this game, kind of like when you're an adult and you see a four square court or a tether ball ring.

You remember how to play but its been such a long time.

He starts to make a scene and yet I feel completely unaffected - I feel nothing but the pain I use to feel when I was abused by my mothers partners.

I yell back

I'm louder, bigger, meaner and scarier and have experienced more in the department of male intimidation than I'm sure he could even imagine.

All within a split second I go from completely relaxed to something entirely different.

And yet I feel like I'm defending my younger self, the fourteen year old version, in a completely different situation where I had no control over anything in my life.

Whereas this is a completely different I have complete control. Or I'm completely out of control.

I push back

I don't do the right thing.

He falls - because of the ice.

I'm still yelling and its funny because I don't entirely remember everything I said but I remember the look on his face.

He was just a guy, like a lot of other men around these parts that the only way to resolve their issues was to force the other party into submission.

I'm standing over him and my friend comes on the other side of me indicating that it was time to leave.

I leave.

I remember sitting in my car thinking about how much I hurt inside.

I'm the guy that keeps a 100 feet between me and every other person.

I feel completely detached from everything around me,

But continue on like everything is exactly how its suppose to be.

An authority an golly' I didn't know it.

So as you all know I'm not dead, but in college.

Which sometimes with a combination of Work and School it feels something near to it.

To give my relationship options at this point a moment in the spot light – I'm currently not seeing anyone. Skate Board guy was however great and fun, was at best completely unpredictable like well any other sixteen year old would be, and for the record Yes it was for the best for me not to be messing around with someone that could possiably get me in a lot of trouble. An I sometimes look and find he was into me because I was built ex-football player, not just because I'm a genuinely nice guy.

In addition to being unpredictable he was very expensive financially.

Now onto the banker – he is someone a little more in my range, financially stable...nice etc. etc.

I don't think thats what I'm looking forward to at the moment.

I think I mentioned in a earlier post that sometimes I feel like people feel bad about being alone because they are told that the only way to be happy or 'whole' is to have someone attached at your hip at all points.

Not to say relationships aren't important, its just not something I'm ready to deal with at this point in my life.

I might at a later time of course try to fill you folks in on whats been going on in the last 2 months...or 3 months at some point.

____________

Oh I should mention I'm becoming somewhat of a hot item in the speaking department for our local government child-welfare organizations.

Its all very overwhelming to be an authority on something you had no idea you were an authority on.

But its somewhat satisfying, after having a conversation with my aunt about how she was slightly put off at our last panel speaking opportunity because she felt that she and my uncle were asked around to get me to come and speak. An how afterwards I said something to the effect 'I'm willing to help in any way I can for the community' I got around 4 calls that evening about that one comment.

People wanted to PAY me!

Which I'm not interested in because I don't think its right to take money for something like that...but gosh..