You, Me and the Goldfish

So here we are 4:06am, you me and the goldfish.

I feel like I have to put something out there that is very important and amazingly perceptive about myself. More importantly a youth that has issues when it comes to roots.

Oh yes, roots folks those awkward things that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Not the movie about black oppression.

I had a breakthrough - something that only happens at this time of the morning while watching a movie that you can truly relate too at this time of the night.

The main characters real name is Aaron, who for one very important reason he changes to Jack. Now as the story progresses you understand more and more why, being released on parole for a childhood infraction he is trying to make a new start for himself.

The movie of course is set in the United Kingdom somewhere in which the system understands despite making a horrible choice as a kid you are only human and as such are deserving of a second chance. Rehabilitation is their number one goal.

Unlike a far off place we all know.

I digress.

The whole movie follows this young adult near my age as he works and lives with a secret that he doesn't want anyone to know about.

I feel that's how I live my life.

I am the keeper of secrets.

I am always looking for a more comfortable metaphorical closet to hide them in...Dinosaur bones that they have become for me.

But as the character goes along trying to explain his awkward self and why he does the things he does - that's me.

What makes me Ill is that I can relate to a fictional character who killed a playmate as a child.

No, Not the murder portion but the Secret. The Secret that he fights tooth and nail to never give away. I mean come on - he changed his name.

Not to be melodramatic but I would kill to start completely over.

Forsake every inch of life I have up until this point for a fictional backlog of who it is to be Evan.

To be a Jack Smith. - Protector of the bones.

I've decided that...

First of all I've decided that it still might, for one good reason or another be good to have a regular outlet for the outside world.

So I sit here listening to Claude Debussy wondering if the correct answer to life with all of its struggles is in fact Blogger itself...

Whaddya think?

Well with that ladies and gentlemen I'm here to offically say I'm very sorry I have abandoned you all and once more I should be writing more often then once a Decade.

Bonne journée.

La vie continue.

It is possiable to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.

Alec Bourne

________

So my blog has taken a current dive in terms of staying on track and has become something that is currently a bit unexpected.

Unexpected is good.

I find unexpected to be enthralling.

Plus it bothers me less to know that even if I write about my championship boxing match at a grocery store parking lot, that all of you wonderful readers out there in the ether find it interesting enough to comment.

Which I appreciate.

Moving on -

I'll have you all know that I currently changed my major.

*gasp

I can feel my future bank account decreasing by a few zeros as we speak.

Back to my point - I've changed my major, I'm going into social work.

*gasp

I find that its something I could potentially become very good at, plus its a industry with a soul.

I would major in Social work and minor in multi ethnic studies.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Or

I have no idea what you're thinking but the point is I've changed my major.

Now I have no idea where this choice will lead me, all I know is that it'll lead me away from my starting wage of 60k.

But I think there is less to life than how big your salary may or may not be.

Now this choice may go against my capitalistic ideals....my grandiose' idea of driving my shiny new BMW as a single gay man.

But I realize the possibilities are endless in terms of what you can do as long as you don't have children.

I'm joking.

Either way - who wouldn't feel safe having a case worker who is a battle hardened foster alumni?

Rawr.

Caution - Roads may be Slick.

I feel like I'm in a really dark place.

Now however morose that sounds, its exactly how I feel.

I sometimes feel like its really laughable how unaffected I am by my surroundings.

I say that because a recent situation brought to mind a portion of my past that has always really disturbed me.

Skaterboy's father called me one night ago and asked to meet me in a nearby parking lot at a grocery store to talk.

I knew exactly what was going to happen - like many things in my life I don't really do the deer in the headlights thing, many things tend to be pretty expected.

I came early and parked away from where we were meeting, I also had another guy friend come with me just to be safe.

Again I feel like I need to state I knew exactly what was going to happen - I was banking on it.

He came to defend his son, I stood their while he quietly stated that his ex-wife had mentioned I had started to hang around with his son.

I nodded.

He glared at me trying to indicate his masculine superiority.

It comes to me in the back of my mind slowly - I remember someone like this, but right at that moment I couldn't put my finger on it.

I said something to the tune that I was not doing anything outside the boundaries of being his friend. Which to a certain extent was true.

He moved within about two inches of my face, the guy is about three inches shorter than I but none the less he had a pretty strong presence.

Then quickly something flares in the back of my mind again - I remember this game, kind of like when you're an adult and you see a four square court or a tether ball ring.

You remember how to play but its been such a long time.

He starts to make a scene and yet I feel completely unaffected - I feel nothing but the pain I use to feel when I was abused by my mothers partners.

I yell back

I'm louder, bigger, meaner and scarier and have experienced more in the department of male intimidation than I'm sure he could even imagine.

All within a split second I go from completely relaxed to something entirely different.

And yet I feel like I'm defending my younger self, the fourteen year old version, in a completely different situation where I had no control over anything in my life.

Whereas this is a completely different I have complete control. Or I'm completely out of control.

I push back

I don't do the right thing.

He falls - because of the ice.

I'm still yelling and its funny because I don't entirely remember everything I said but I remember the look on his face.

He was just a guy, like a lot of other men around these parts that the only way to resolve their issues was to force the other party into submission.

I'm standing over him and my friend comes on the other side of me indicating that it was time to leave.

I leave.

I remember sitting in my car thinking about how much I hurt inside.

I'm the guy that keeps a 100 feet between me and every other person.

I feel completely detached from everything around me,

But continue on like everything is exactly how its suppose to be.

An authority an golly' I didn't know it.

So as you all know I'm not dead, but in college.

Which sometimes with a combination of Work and School it feels something near to it.

To give my relationship options at this point a moment in the spot light – I'm currently not seeing anyone. Skate Board guy was however great and fun, was at best completely unpredictable like well any other sixteen year old would be, and for the record Yes it was for the best for me not to be messing around with someone that could possiably get me in a lot of trouble. An I sometimes look and find he was into me because I was built ex-football player, not just because I'm a genuinely nice guy.

In addition to being unpredictable he was very expensive financially.

Now onto the banker – he is someone a little more in my range, financially stable...nice etc. etc.

I don't think thats what I'm looking forward to at the moment.

I think I mentioned in a earlier post that sometimes I feel like people feel bad about being alone because they are told that the only way to be happy or 'whole' is to have someone attached at your hip at all points.

Not to say relationships aren't important, its just not something I'm ready to deal with at this point in my life.

I might at a later time of course try to fill you folks in on whats been going on in the last 2 months...or 3 months at some point.

____________

Oh I should mention I'm becoming somewhat of a hot item in the speaking department for our local government child-welfare organizations.

Its all very overwhelming to be an authority on something you had no idea you were an authority on.

But its somewhat satisfying, after having a conversation with my aunt about how she was slightly put off at our last panel speaking opportunity because she felt that she and my uncle were asked around to get me to come and speak. An how afterwards I said something to the effect 'I'm willing to help in any way I can for the community' I got around 4 calls that evening about that one comment.

People wanted to PAY me!

Which I'm not interested in because I don't think its right to take money for something like that...but gosh..

Skate borders and the Church parking lot.

I've currently been busy really in a number of different ways.

My school for one has been completely time consuming which is what College is suppose to be as I hear. I'm okay with that for the most part, nothing that I'm coming up against is anything I can't handle per say but it still pretty tough.

I've also been 'dating' more than one person. Okay here is the thing about me, for some reason when it comes to 'relationship' sort of attention I can not seem to get enough of it. Not in the immature sort of attention, but it comes from being bombarded from multiple areas and not being able to slow down and say 'I'm sorry I currently have way too much on my plate now and am sort of dating someone else'.

Can I pull the foster kid card? I wasn't loved enough? I wouldn't dare.

So you know about the mature banker guy I've been seeing lately. Everything in that respect is going amazingly, he's a nice down to earth guy who is always...so nice. My first logical reaction would be to stick by him, its something completely stable and I should be happy with what I have.

I'm not, not in the least.

I enjoy a certain amount of trouble.

In the same way married men sometimes wish they had a that metaphorically 'bad' wife.

Its sick let me tell you what. For one if I didn't have enough complication in my life I bring another person on board to enjoy the ride.

He's a 16 year old skater guy that is into the tall footballer type.

(Thought I would also mention that its completely legal in my state for another 9 days).

Which if I hadn't said enough times I fit that stereotype perfectly.

He happens to be about 5'4 and hundred and fifteen pounds. Exactly my type. Tight black pants band t-shirt skater guy. Its cute.

Its funny because the other night we were making out like a bunch of high schoolers would (ick I know you don't wanna hear about it but its important to my point). He's naming off all the things he likes about me and I'm noticing its everything I don't like about myself. Then I go onto mention everything I like about him and its the same way. He hates that he's small and scrawny...I like that...I hate being tall and built.

Nice right?

Dysfunctional maybe and the whole situation could get me in some serious trouble if I'm not careful.

But I like it. The idea of getting in trouble is sort of appealing to me, in that area anyway.

Plus he's completely random in every sort of way. Following my thought process perfectly.

He calls me up at 12:30 Saturday night and wants me to come pick him up so we can 'hangout' which is code for...well you know.

“OH look a burger king, I'm thirsty lets stop!”

2 hours later we are sitting in the church parking lot we decided to park to 'hangout'. Its past his bed time and I have to pry him off me to take him home.

Now if that isn't gaining back some of those years stuck in foster care not being able to make out with the boys I wanted too...I dunno what will.

Here in about an hour I'm heading over to his house to 'hangout' before his mother gets home from work.

If anyone has any thoughts on this situation I am very open to input at this point.

Suite mates and the Banker Boyfriend.

So, as it goes I am a reasonably romantic person.

Which is surprising for a few reasons. Not really having very good role models growing up in that department left me a little dazed I think, add on the fact that I'm a gay man makes it a little more complicated then one would expect.

I think a majority of what you think or know as 'romance' is taken from your parents example. Not really surprising because you take many of the things you know relationship wise from your parents...I could be wrong but I do think that line of thought is correct.

Really a pretty small personality trait, but somewhat important I hear.

Back to my point,

I have a boyfriend (crazy right?)

I also work and go to school. Being with someone can take a back seat sometimes. Which it has at this point, I can't be a successful student and be a fantastic partner. Its rough. But Andy understands and knows that my school comes first, but he is not any less important to me.

Andy is a great guy, which is hard to come by here in the gay wasteland. Works at a local bank, wears a suit and plans on going places.

So I took Andy to an expensive restaurant (funded by a recent relatives visit, but of course he doesn't know that) and a movie which both turned out really well.

Yay for brownie points.

Then he wanted to go back to my dorm and meet my suite mates.

I decided a little while back that I was going to take coming out here very slowly because I have to live with these same three guys for nine months, I'd really like them to know me as who I am instead of 'the gay guy' which is very easily done.

So I made up an excuse, it worked, I was off the hook.

It might only work one or two other times, then I'll have to explain the real reason.

Its not really lying if its said to keep the other person from being hurt right?

All for the greater good.